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This Week's Tip:
SITUATION: One parent feels the other does not handle the situation right and tries to correct it.
TIP: Do not react negatively to what the other parent does, even though you do not agree. Rather, give a signal to him/her and say to the child, “WE will talk this over and get back to you.” This allows the WE to form and discipline the child in a firm, loving manner.
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Tip Archive:
SITUATION: Our daughter is three, but usually ends up sleeping with us all night. I have tried everything, but nothing seems to help. She will come into our room and say she is scared. I put her back in her room, but it does not help.
TIP: Your child is manipulating you! She knows that she will be able to sleep with you, so nothing you do will make any difference. Think WE! What is best for the family? It is obvious it is better for both you and the child that she sleep in her own bed. Set the WE boundary and decided that for the best of all concerned, she will not sleep in your bed anymore. Smile, look directly at her and say to the child, “It is best for us that you stay in your bed, so that is what is going to happen from now on.” The child will hear the firmness in your voice and with your WE resolve; she will not sleep with you anymore. She will try to manipulate by acting scared or crying, but once she knows that the WE is firm, she will be happier!
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SITUATION: I can’t get my husband to discipline his sons. He says that is my job. I am losing respect for him, since he just wants to be “buddies” with his sons.
TIP: It looks like you have background differences that keep you from forming a WE as parents. Your father probably was the disciplinarian and his mother probably handled the discipline. So you both expect the other person to step in and hold the line. To overcome this glitch in your parenting, immediately form a WE and discipline the sons together. Whenever something needs to be addressed, instead of waiting for your husband to discipline, look at him and smile, “Whoops, looks like something that WE have to handle together.”
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SITUATION: I feel like the fifth wheel in my family. I am gone much of the week on business and when I come back home, what I feel does not seem to matter. When I correct my children, they act as if I didn’t say anything and my wife usually pushes my attempts to discipline aside and does it her way and lets them get by with everything. It is so frustrating; I find myself getting angrier and angrier, blowing up more frequently. But this just seems to alienate me further from them.
TIP: It is obvious that the two of you do not parent as a WE. Your spouse is used to parenting by herself and resents it when you come in and try to force things to be your way. The solution is not to get more angry and force a power struggle, but the solution is to form a WE and parent as a WE. When you come back home and notice something that needs to be addressed, instead of correcting it yourself, look at your spouse, smile, and say, “How are WE going to handle this?” Also ask your spouse to say “WE” when parenting while you are gone.
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SITUATION: We have a son that is 20 years old and is still at home. He does nothing around the house and says that he does not have to have any rules. He is working, but we give him his meals and do everything for him. I am getting more frustrated with his laziness and his late hours.
TIP: Your son is stuck emotionally and is not growing up. He likes his situation, since he has the security of being taken care of, yet has all the freedom he wants. The solution is to form a WE with your spouse and treat him like an adult, but set the boundaries of the household that are best for all concerned! Look at each other a smile, then say, “WE have decided that it is best for us that you are home at a decent hour so we can get some sleep. It is also best for us that we each pitch in around here to keep the family going. So it is your choice. If you choose to be a part of our family, you have chosen to live within these guidelines. If you chose not to live within these guidelines, you have just chosen not to be a part of our family. WE hope you chose to be a part of our family … but it is your choice.”
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SITUATION: Our 17-year-old daughter is spending time with the wrong crowd. I have talked to her, but she says that it is none of my business. Yet I see her grades dropping and she has withdrawn from the family. I suspect that she is getting involved with alcohol and sex. She says she is just waiting until she is 18 and can live on her own.
TIP: She is not acting like a 17-year-old since she is hiding things from you and is stuck in a rebellious, withdrawal stage. You must form a WE with your spouse and confront the situation. You may have to use some “WE” anger. I know you have gotten angry with her, but this is different from “WE” anger. You and your spouse look at each other and smile, and then say with definite firmness, “WE have decided that your behavior is too immature for a 17-year-old; therefore we will not let you go out with your friends until you show a greater maturity. WE must protect you until you are grown up and can be on your own.” This is WE anger that sets the WE boundaries that are completely firm. This is now what is going to happen
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SITUATION: I have three children and we have just gone through a nasty divorce. I am worried about two of them. One has gotten very rebellious and out of control. The second one seems to be very withdrawn and will not communicate. The child I am not worried about is my youngest who does everything I ask and gives me no problems.
TIP: The sad fact is that divorce and the breakdown of the WE always produces deep anxiety within the child and the child usually gets “stuck” at that emotional age. Your three children reflect the three strategies that children usually adopt to cope with their anxiety. A child will become rebellious in order to gain more control. A child will become withdrawn to gain security in their inner world of fantasy. But a child will also become over compliant to gain security by pleasing and keeping other people happy. Each of these strategies represents the child getting “stuck” and are equally damaging to the emotional welfare of the child. To help them and your family, start “Thinking WE” and react to them as a WE. Also form a WE with their teachers to help strengthen the family WE. The strong bonds of a church community can also help strengthen the WE of your family.
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SITUATION: I thought things would be better after the divorce, since we would no longer be fighting. But now there seem to be the same number of fights, only now it is with one of my children.
TIP: Any time there is a divorce, one of the children has a “spell” cast on him/her. That child feels compelled to act just like the absent parent. Apparently this creates some sense of security to keep that “old relationship” you had with your former spouse alive. Check once, doesn’t it feel like your child is acting just like the absent parent? The bad news is that the child will get stuck emotionally with this “spell” and over-focus on keeping this old relationship alive. The good news is that you can break this “spell” by changing your half of the relationship. Now that you know what is going on, you do not have to react like you did to your former spouse. You can shift by “Thinking WE” and take charge of .the parenting responsibility in a new way. Then you can say, “It is not good for US that you become disrespectful. Let’s talk about how WE are going to handle this situation.”
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SITUATION: We have a 14-year-old son and seem to disagree on what he should be allowed to do. It seems like a power struggle all the time since I usually want to give him more freedom and my spouse wants to keep tighter control on him.
TIP: Either one of you can stop the power struggle and form the WE. In fact, the WE is a totally different set of emotions and reactions. Instead of saying, “I disagree with how you handled that” (power struggle), shift from ME to WE and say, “Let’s decide how WE are going to handle this situation.” Feel the change in your emotions as you shift from your own internal feelings to the space between the two of you as you say, “WE.”
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SITUATION: I am a single parent and find myself “losing it” with my five-year-old daughter. She is constantly demanding something and will not leave me alone until I satisfy her.
TIP: Your faith can help! Normally you react out of your natural emotions (call this your “old” self). Your child has spent five years getting to know how to manipulate your guilt, frustration, etc. No wonder she can push your buttons and get you going. Your faith gives you a new set of emotions and reactions. This is called the “new self.” See if you can feel the difference as you try the following. First imagine your daughter demanding that you give her a snack immediately and feel the annoyance as you react angrily. Now take a breath and walk 12 inches from your upset stomach to your heart, where Christ lives. Spend a few moments in prayer, asking God to help you “Think WE, not ME.” Feel a new set of emotions as you “Think WE.” Now you will be able to react differently to your daughter with a loving firmness that can say, “It is not good for us that you eat something right now. Then you will not be hungry for lunch. So the answer is ‘No.” With the “new self” in charge, your child will feel the change in you and will be much more likely to respect this as a true boundary! She will see the firmness in your eyes and voice and will realize that you are also looking out for her welfare.
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SITUATION: This is the second marriage for both of us. We each have two children from our previous marriage. We thought the kids would warm up to our relationship once we were married, but, if anything, they seem more intent on breaking us apart.
TIP: It is natural for children to want to break the blended family apart, since they want the original parents back. This gives you some idea of how powerful the original family unit is for the security of the children. They will do all they can to get it back and will not warm up to a stepparent, feeling that they will be disloyal to their natural family and parents. However, there is good news. When the WE of the blended family gets strong enough, the children will come around as they feel the security it brings. They will actually end up supporting the new WE!
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SITUATION: I am a single parent. My child does not listen to me. No matter what I do, I cannot get her to obey. I feel like I have no power.
TIP: Your child has your number. There is a natural authority that parents have to care for the child and the child knows and will respect this. However, if the child can get you angry, make you feel guilty, or can ignore you successfully, the child does not have to obey. The first step for you is to “Think WE.” You are the parent and you must consider what is best for the family and the child. You can ask for the child’s input, but it is up to you to form the WE of the family and set the boundaries so that the family can operate in a healthy manner. Then when you feel the confidence of your role as parent, get the child to look you in the eye as you say, “We all have things to do to keep the house clean. You are a part of this family and will help us by keeping your room clean.” It will be the firmness and tone of voice that will show the child that this is a boundary. This is much more effective than yelling, threatening, or giving in to the child.
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SITUATION: In a blended family, I feel that I cannot be the mother (father) since the child already has a mother (father). I try to be the child’s friend.
TIP: The child does have a natural mother (father), but when the child is in this household, you two now form the WE for parenting. You do not have to force the child to call you “mother” (or “father”), but you must have the full authority of a parent. Instead of trying to be the child’s friend, put your effort into forming the WE with your spouse and parent as a WE.
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SITUATION: In a blended family, I want both of us to be the parents, but when I see my child hurt by my spouse, I feel my loyalty has to be with my child.
TIP: Your child is manipulating you! Your child is letting you know that he/she is being hurt by your spouse and you respond by getting in the middle to protect your child, but in the process have formed a WE with your child against your spouse! This is dysfunctional parenting! Since this is your natural child, you must convey authority to your spouse by initiating the formation of the WE. The next time the child needs to be disciplined, go through this following sequence that you and your spouse agree to in advance: In the child’s presence, look at your spouse, smile, and say, “Our child has disobeyed. How are WE going to handle this situation?”
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SITUATION: You are a blended family and your spouse’s child will not obey you, saying, “You are not my father (or mother), so I don’t have to listen to you.”
TIP: The WE is between natural parent and child, which is what will usually happen in a blended family situation. This is dysfunctional! Parenting in a blended family is much more difficult. With natural parents, the child really wants the WE between the parents to be there. That represents the child’s security. In a blended family, the child really wants to split the new WE apart (so that the original WE can come back together). The solution is to form a new WE that is strong enough so that the child cannot break it apart. When this happens, the child will actually feel the security of the new WE and will no longer try to break it apart!
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SITUATION: Your child has started lying and sneaking around, keeping things from you. When you confront the situation, the child withdraws and will not look at you.
TIP: Your child has found the power to be dishonest and runs a danger of being stuck. Somewhere the WE has broken down. The child’s withdrawal shows that the child does not feel part of the WE. Get the child to look at you and say, “It is not good for our family that you do not tell the truth. How can WE deal with this together?”
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SITUATION: Your child seems emotionally immature, talking in a whiney voice and not taking responsibility for his/her actions.
TIP: Whenever the WE of the family unit breaks down (as with divorce or when the child can regularly split the parent’s WE apart), the child gets stuck at that emotional age and does not grow up! The fastest way to change things is to form a healthy WE and not allow the child’s emotions to manipulate the situation and control the mood. When this new WE is stronger than the child’s emotions, the child now has a chance to grow up!
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SITUATION: Your spouse gets upset and punishes your child and sends her to bed. You feel sorry for the child and find yourself going in and comforting the child. You try to stand up for your spouse by explaining away her actions, “Mommy (or Daddy) is under a lot of stress.”
TIP: You are forming a WE with the child against your spouse; therefore the parenting situation is dysfunctional! Chances are the child sent you a signal that she was hurt by this and is manipulating you to come and comfort her. Rather than give into this manipulation, go and form the WE! Go to your spouse and say, “I do not agree with the punishment, so let’s talk about how WE are going to handle this situation.”
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SITUATION: You try to discipline your child and you notice that the child looks at the other parent who shrugs and rolls his/her eyes. After that the child seems to get more power to disobey and you get angry.
TIP: This type of WE is between the parent and child, not between the two parents; therefore the parenting situation is dysfunctional. When you notice the other parent and your child allying against you, instead of getting more angry and trying to assert your parental authority, try allying with your parenting partner. Instead of getting angry, make eye contact with him/her and say, “How are WE going to deal with this situation?”
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SITUATION: A parent finds himself or herself getting angry and threatening the child when child will not obey.
TIP: WE anger is much more effective than ME anger. The next time your child defies you and you feel anger over the disrespect, do something different. If you feel yourself getting angrier, it will become a power struggle between you and your child. Now “Think WE, not ME.” Realize that it is not good for the family that the child is disrespectful and feel the “WE anger.” Feeling this “healthy anger” in your eyes, say to the child in a firm, but loving voice, “It is not good for our family that you are disrespectful, so WE cannot allow that.” Notice that the child reacts differently, since it is no longer a power struggle, but a concern for the WE (and the child is a part of the WE).
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SITUATION: One parent is alone with the child and the parent does not know what the WE should do about the situation.
TIP: It is always wise to form the WE first, then react! In this case, first “Think WE, not ME.” Then tell the child, “WE will talk this over and WE will get back to you.
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SITUATION: One parent is alone with the child and the child needs to be disciplined.
TIP: The WE is a separate entity and is still present, even though the other parent is not there. Imagine you are looking at the other parent and remember the WE [think WE, not ME]. Feel the shift from your own anger and frustration to what is best for the situation (WE thinking). Then say, “Remember, WE talked about this and WE decided that you were not to say that again. It is not good for our family that you say things like that.”
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SITUATION: One parent seems to notice everything and react to small things, knowing they can get out of hand in the future and the other parent seems to ignore situations until they get big and explosive.
TIP: One parent is a “painter” and the other is a “pointer,” and they usually misunderstand each other and disagree with each other’s style. The “painter” will see something and “flash” into the future, seeing that this could be real trouble. The pointer sees the same thing and puts it into perspective, seeing that this is not something to react strongly to. Both are right and are a gift to the WE in parenting. The “flash” of the painter can help the situation stay out of danger and the “perspective” of the pointer can help handle the situation in a better way.
POINTERS: Do not say the painter is “overreacting and ignore the “flash.” The painter is reacting quite normally and is giving a gift to the parenting process by seeing potential future problems.
PAINTERS: Do not say that the pointer is “letting everything go and letting the child get by with everything.” The pointer is also giving a gift to the parenting process by keeping the situation in perspective.
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SITUATION: One parent feels that the other reacts too harshly and tries to smooth things out … getting caught in the middle.
TIP: There is no “middle” in a WE! Ask the other parent to consult you first before reacting. But then, when s/he sees something that needs to be addressed, don’t you ignore it or say that it is “no big deal.” Do not debate whether there is any need to address the situation! Rather, respect his/her perception and willingly form the WE to deal with the situation.
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SITUATION: The two parents try to form the WE, but they do not agree on how to handle the situation.
TIP: Both parents normally want the same things from their child: respect, willingness to help out, actions that are helpful for the child’s welfare. The disagreement is usually a matter of style. One usually feels the other is either too harsh or too lenient. The beauty of the WE is that the blend of the two styles both guarantees that the child will follow through and that the child’s feelings are also being considered!
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SITUATION: One parent tries to discipline and complains that the other parent does not back him/her up.
TIP: It is not an issue of one parent “backing the other parent up”; the two parents form a WE first, then discipline as a WE. If you are the parent that does not feel supported, STOP! Do not react to the child out of your own emotions, and then expect the other parent to back you up. First become allies and decide how “WE” are going to handle the situation.
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SITUATION: The child claims that it is the parents against the child and feels no power.
TIP: The beauty of the WE is that when it forms in the right manner, it includes the child as part of the WE. Sit the child down, look at each other (forming the WE) and smile. Then say, “WE are interested in what’s best for all concerned in this house and we need your input. Let us know what you think and feel, and then WE will decide together what is best for our family.
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SITUATION: The child seems to struggle inside and puts self down a lot.
TIP: The child inherits the parental relationship in his/her own spirit and this becomes the way the child relates to self. If the parents do not get along, the child has the same internal struggle. So work on the WE and the communication of respect between the parents, then the child will develop better self-respect and self-control!
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SITUATION: Parents want their child to have a healthy attitude.
TIP: The child’s spirit or attitude forms out of the atmosphere of the home and the mood of the house is determined by the WE that the parents form. To raise a child who has a healthy attitude, the parents must form a good WE their relationship with each other. A good WE formed by the parents creates a safe place for healthy child development.
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SITUATION: Interaction with child leaves everyone upset.
TIP: The WE controls the mood. To get the mood back, the two parents only need to look at each other, smile and say, “How are we going to handle this in a way that it will be best for everyone?” Once a healthy WE is formed by the parents, the mood changes from turbulent and upsetting to friendly and loving.
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